25 Things You Never Knew Your Black Mom Friends Worry About
One of the most heartbreaking and difficult things about systemic racism is how insidious it is—it’s nearly impossible to call out the subtle ways that these messages and biases work their way into our consciousness. It’s even difficult for Black people to identify and give voice to sometimes. Part of that is because it hasn’t always been safe to speak up and part of it is due to something psychologists call “centrality.”
Centrality, a part of social identity theory, identifies how much a person’s race is central to their understanding of themselves. When a person is in a racially homogenous group, they don’t think about race much. But when children enter a diverse environment, they begin to think of themselves as “the black kid,” “the white kid” or “the Asian kid.” They begin to think about race as a part of who they are and how they compare to their friends for the first time.
Black moms are acutely aware of the emotional wrestling that our kids will be dealing with when we send them to school, and we all eventually have some version of “the talk” with our kids. Here is a list of over 25 things you never knew that your Black mom friends worry about:
1. We worry that our children won’t be safe—from teachers, police and each other. Children are often singled out for any number of reasons, but skin color presents an obvious (and especially painful) target.
2. We worry that they’ll be playing with friends and do something dumb that kids do and end up in jail—or worse.
3. We worry that their self-esteem will be permanently damaged by how people interact with them.
4. We worry that they won’t want to be Black anymore.
5. We worry that they won’t know where they come from. Many Black people (me) can only trace their family history back so far because those of us with a history of ancestral slavery were traded, sold and renamed frequently.
6. We worry that the Black history taught in schools will leave them feeling less than. We worry that their white friends will make jokes about “owning” them as the entire grade glosses over the history of slavery.
7. We worry that they’re going to think all Black people are either slaves or Egyptians.
8. We worry that there will be a field trip to a plantation.
9. We worry that they’ll become a stereotype. We pull up their pants, hide their hoop earrings and caution them against being too loud.
10. We worry that they won’t get into college. We worry that they will get into college.
11. We worry about them going to white colleges and feeling out-of-place.
12. We worry about them going to HBCUs and being seen as “ultra-Black” when they graduate.
13. We worry about them entering career paths that are dominated by white faces.
14. We worry about them being confident, happy and secure when they’re surrounded by faces that don’t look like them.
15. We worry about the television they watch and what they see.
16. We worry about them being successful enough and we worry about them being too successful.
17. We worry about them in the wrong neighborhood.
18. We worry about them at their friends’ houses.
19. We worry about them being called the n-word.
20. We worry about them going to the store.
21. We worry about them being neat and clean.
22. We worry about them wearing hoodies.
23. We worry about them being pulled over.
24. We worry about their boyfriends and girlfriends.
25. We worry about all of our right decisions blowing up in an instant.
In short, we worry all the time. As Black people, there is so much to worry about—so much to anticipate, to prepare and pray for. The events unfolding in the country right now are difficult to grapple with, but these conversations pave the way ahead for a greater, collective unburdening and a breath of fresh air.
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